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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
8 Days Of Happy: Day 5 
16th-Dec-2008 12:11 am
I've written before about my best friend Shane who died suddenly in 2000. Yesterday, while waiting on D's parents to arrive for my birthday dinner, we went for a short walk along the riverwalk around the corner from the restaurant. It's directly behind the company headquarters for TSYS, where Shane worked until he died and where D started working before transferring to their Acquiring division. THe company financed part of the riverwalk construction there and part of it was engraving their employees' names in the brickwork of the walk. We walked to take a look at D's brick and to look for other familiar names when I found this one in the picture at left. I had no idea they had even done that.

It made me happy. I miss him terribly, but I accepted his death long ago and while I'll mourn his loss for the rest of my life, this came out of the blue and was significant for a very curious reason. Let me explain.

About a month or so before he died, SHane was looking at Hallmark cards in Target. One of them was a birthday card that reminded him of me and made him laugh out loud. It has the caricature of a man on the front and says "You da MAN!" You open it and it says "You da OLD Man!" He bought it for me and gave it to me in the beginning of summer, 2000. We were having our customary Sunday family dinner. This week it was at our house, and we alternated between our and Shane & Maggie's house. He explained that he found this card and had to give it to me now, he couldn't wait until my birthday which he knew was months away. I laughed as well, passed it around to everyone, and then put it in my box of special mementos and ephemera. He died on June 30th, 2000, just over a month after his 26th birthday.

I had come to see the approach of my 30th birthday as an omen of sorts, having been convinced for years that I would never live to be that old. To finally turn 30 was a big deal to me, and he knew it. I think that's why he gave me the card, because his death was completely accidental and he didn't know it was coming so soon. It was just like any other day, we'd spoken the night before about our plans for the following day to get together for our normal weekend of time together - and until I got the phone call at work in mid afternoon to come to the ER, it was just a beautiful summer day like any other.

On the morning of my 30th birthday, I was getting a sweater out of the top of my closet when the card fell into my hands from the shelf. I had not seen it since he gave it to me, and I couldn't remember taking it out of the box. It was the first birthday card I got that day and it came from him 6 months after he died. I sat with it clutched to my chest and sobbed until my head ached and the tears no longer came. Not simply because the grief was still relatively green and insurmountable, but because he took the care to make that happen - and I found it by accident on the morning of my 30th birthday.

Eight years later I came across this brick in the same accidental manner - once again on my birthday. I'm not sure what or if I believe in the energy we leave behind after death, but I'm sure I was meant to find these things when I found them, and in the ways I did. I'm happy that I got to share this tremendous love and respect with a man as good a friend and brother as Shane Stephens was to me. I'm grateful for every day I got to spend with him and for every evening we would sit in his backyard finishing the last of the beer or wine, laying on chaise lounges, looking at the stars and talking about everything and nothing. We were going to get older together and we were always going to be a family.

This isn't meant to be sad. I'm happy because I had in this man a kind of friend not many people come by even once in a lifetime, and I've been lucky enough to have this with several of you. It's extraordinary and the significance of all this is not lost on me at all. In fact, it is what keeps me warm most days. I had something so completely beautiful and was afforded the opportunity of it more than once, so while I mourn his loss, I take great care not to mourn it so much that I forget how wonderful my time with him was. I treasure that time too much to mourn the loss of it because I know fundamentally what having it means. It is a precious, fragile thing that sometimes is fleeting and you never know just how fleeting it really is, even when forged of the strongest of foundations. But it was real and I did have it, and it has made me a much better man.

He was a very funny and thoughtful man and therefore I will not rule out future surprises from him and will always keep my eyes and mind open for them. It was a good birthday anyway, but finding this made it a truly great birthday.
Comments 
16th-Dec-2008 05:35 am (UTC)
May your memories continue to lighten your grief!
16th-Dec-2008 05:44 am (UTC)
Shane was letting you know you were not being forgotten on your birthday. We do leave behind energy, Some never leave us. I am glad he's still watching over you.

Happy belated birthday.
16th-Dec-2008 05:51 am (UTC)
Now that is an awesome birthday present.
16th-Dec-2008 06:12 am (UTC)
Happy Birthday, Brad...I think that Shane is never far from you, and that's a birthday gift that will last a lifetime, my friend *bearhug*
16th-Dec-2008 06:26 am (UTC)
We are spirits in the material world, Brad (and I am a material girl!). And I believe (even though there is, as yet, no way of proving it) Shane is communicating with you on some level.

Stay open.

And what a birthday gift to receive!
16th-Dec-2008 06:44 am (UTC)
What a beautiful entry. Thank you for sharing.
16th-Dec-2008 07:42 am (UTC)
Brad, thank you so much for sharing this.

It's in how our friends have touched us, changed us, that they live on within us. You are in part who you are, because of him.

As they sang in "Wicked", I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
16th-Dec-2008 12:33 pm (UTC)
Touching story. I guess I never realized you were from Columbus, I used to go there all the time about 15 years ago, as I was Total Systems (TSYS) representative at MasterCard Intl.

So I know the general area you are talking about.
16th-Dec-2008 01:58 pm (UTC)
Shane's name on the brick and your entry are both beautiful tributes to him.

These words from the Bulgarian (and universally Slavonic) funeral prayer-song come to my mind, "And create for him eternal memory." This is how the prayer is called, Eternal Memory. It's somewhat ironic that my medieval ancestors who believed so strongly in afterlife craved so much to be remembered by the living after their death.

Nothing is eternal in this ever-changing world, but still... may the memory of him last at least as long as the last person who knew him lives. And who knows, maybe you'll really get a few more future surprises from him.

Love, Darina

18th-Dec-2008 04:08 am (UTC)
"But it was real and I did have it, and it has made me a much better man."

What a beautiful tribute. I believe his energy, is like that of the yellow butterfly that came to visit you also this past summer. Always present in so many ways. I'm glad you had such a great birthday.
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