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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
State of the Biscuit '08 
8th-Oct-2008 01:02 pm
So.

I have been taking nods and cues from my environment quite a bit over the past month and a half or so, much more than usual. I've made it a point to step outside of myself and reevaluate some things about me that I need to modify because they're no longer helping me - some in fact are harmful. I accept that I am my own worst enemy and that I'm really mean to myself when you get down to brass tacks. It ain't pretty and I don't like it, but I own it. This is where I start.

Basically, I've had enough and I quit - I give up. I've somehow allowed myself to become someone and something I don't even care for anymore, and that shit's done. For the remainder of the year, no more aggro-bent political rants, no more bitching (although I may have to come 11/04), I killed and buried the username [info]angry_biscuit, but I haven't killed off the part of me that gave in to all of that anger and frustration so much that there wasn't enough room for the other stuff, the really good stuff to come out and speak more for me and who I really believe I am. I don't mean to be disingenuous and suggest anything on the scale of [info]happy_sunshine_sparkle_biscuit! or [info]i_fart_rainbows_&_glitter_biscuit!, but I definitely need to take myself down a peg. Or six.

I care very deeply about politics and I've gotten far too carried away with it at times. I've let it alienate me in many ways, even at home. That's a fucking shame and I have no one else to blame for that, so I take responsibility for it. I accept that I will never be exhausted from reasons to despise elected officials and the shoddy ways that our government is run, but I will no longer allow this to rule me and dictate how I feel or who I am. All that has done is made me really unhappy, and I'm just about half past giving a shit about that as well.

I worry so much, about so much, all of the time. The economy. Civil rights protections. Blah, blah blah, ad infinitum. There are so many reasons to have no hope that I've really frightened myself into being hopeless, and the realization of this has been pretty grueling. Even the knowledge that things aren't as bad as they're going to get at the moment, let alone how bad they actually could get, has kind of painted me into a corner. And you know what? I'm tired of it.

I've done a few liberating things for myself in recent days and that has taken me back closer to the foundation of who I am and want to be in this world than I have been in a long time. I feel very out of touch right now with the way I did just a few days ago, marching in lockstep with everyone else who is worrying themselves into mania and sickness and being scared shitless of the next bad thing that's going to come along. All of the sudden that feels far away, thankfully. The worst that could happen is that we deevolve into chaos, but once that happens and your illusions are finally gone, you see how honest and fair that is. You'll never know if you really have control until you lose it first.

I will take better care of myself so that I'm in a better position to take care of others when they need it, and I will be nicer to myself and learn to lighten up again, laugh more, and show more affection to those who suffer its absence when I'm too disconnected.

I will only get my political commentary from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert so that I can get it laughing and without so much frustration for the remainder of the year, and will make a concerted effort to limit the amount of fear-based news that I read.

So yeah. There's that. Moving on to more positive things.
Comments 
8th-Oct-2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
Will you let me walk with you?
8th-Oct-2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
Are you kidding me, I'm counting on it!
8th-Oct-2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of your passion and I'm proud of the way you're mastering it.

You are a wonderful person -- and this is coming from someone who doesn't know you THAT well. It just shines through.
8th-Oct-2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
I so appreciate this, S - that means a lot more to me than I can communicate at present.
8th-Oct-2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
What do you mean no kittens_farting_sunshine_and_rainbows_biscuit? :(
8th-Oct-2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
Kitteh fartz are teh WORSTEST fartz evar!
8th-Oct-2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to see this. I've been worried about you for awhile now. *Hugs you*
8th-Oct-2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
Thanks, love - it was finally just time I suppose.
8th-Oct-2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
You know, as much as i admire/respect passionate(angry), focused biscuit, ill admit I wouldnt mind seeing a broader picture of you sometimes. I think sometimes we forget that sometimes one of the best ways to get your point across to someone else is to appeal to them as another, rounded person. The idea that theres more to a person than just their cause seems a lot more powerful than someone who comes across as if their cause is all they have left in life - its easy to dismiss a person like that.

So yeah, dont be afraid to continue to be angry biscuit sometimes - just remember to be "bigger" biscuit as well, and I think youll do fine.

Come visit SF in november. We can go see Milk together. :)
8th-Oct-2008 05:40 pm (UTC)
Seeing it from this other side as I am beginning to now I can see this for myself now. I guess that for me, the 'terists' did win - and by 'terists' I mean the assholes in charge who have enabled us to live in such fear.

I won't do that again, it came at too great a price.

We'll have to blog about Milk after it comes out, travel is far too expensive in the best of times and impossible given A.) finances and trying to rebuild savings, and B.) we're getting into holidays season. But if I were going to see it anywhere in the world of my own choosing, it would be in the Castro - which is where it SHOULD be seen.
8th-Oct-2008 05:37 pm (UTC) - Passion is good......
I too am frustrated and tired of banging my head against the brick wall of public discourse....

Read philosophy...focus on other things right now ... I'm glad you are taking better care of yourself...

I for one am railing against Corporate America, becoming more introverted with my legal studies, and focusing on my health, wealth and happiness...

Keep the faith....one thing I learned working in politics is knowing when to take a break (physically, emotionally, spiritually)....


xoxoxoxooxoxoxo
8th-Oct-2008 05:45 pm (UTC) - Re: Passion is good......
I think for the time being I have to be done with railing against anyone or anything but my own bad habits! I totally hear you though and I agree.

This will be my break from all of that, and after New Year's I'll decide what direction feels the most organic for me.

Thanks, my friend!
8th-Oct-2008 05:37 pm (UTC) - my vote
I vote for farting rainbows and glitter. FO SHO. All the way!

I like the new State of the Biscuit. Selfishly because it comforts me to know that you are balanced, happy and safe in your own home... and in your own mind. I am speaking of myself when I say that I have recently owned that sometimes the battlefield in my mind is the most dangerous place for me to linger. Worse, even, than this broken world we live in. But I do linger there. And if left to my own devices... I may not venture out to get a little grounded by those who never fail to help me see what's of utmost importance. I believe ... in it's purest form ... that is to love and be loved.

I honestly do not personally know anyone else who feels with the same amount of energy you do. You give it a million percent when you give it no matter what it is. You unabashedly lay yourself out there daily for the world to see - This is Biscuit, deal with it ... or don't it's your prerogative!

I think you are brave and strong. You are incredibly gifted in the areas of intelligence and emotion - along with those things come heavy burdens. Learning to balance is a delicate art. Kudos to you, my love, for going there!
8th-Oct-2008 06:06 pm (UTC) - Re: my vote
You've known me since we were kids, and you know a lot more than most in very intimate ways. I trust you implicitly and know you'll always shoot straight with me and kick my ass when I need it - I depend on those closest to me for that sort of thing because it'll have a starting point and an ending point, and if I start I won't HAVE an ending point! Hey, at least I own it, right?

I know I walk a very different path, and you know that I always have. It is my nature to resist convention and tradition in favor of invention and practicality, but sometimes it is to my detriment. I think I need to learn to signal myself when I'm getting too carried away so that these sorts of pitfalls are a choice to avoid instead of a self sabotaging trap. I'm always going to be me, but I can choose to be better today than yesterday and better tomorrow than today.

We grew up in Hickville USA, square in the buckle of the bible belt. I'm fine being the outcast in general society and even in my own family, that's the price of walking the path of my choosing and I have no illusions or regrets about that. I'm stubborn and hardheaded and I have my reasons for all of that, but that's still no reason to let my own pendulum swing too far out of bounds when it's clearly not in my best interests.

We're all works in progress, this was all my reminder of that!

XOXOXO
8th-Oct-2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
Man, I feel like I'm walking in the exact, same shoes.

You've given me a lot to think about, kind sir.
8th-Oct-2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Good, getting back in check is a good thing!
8th-Oct-2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
Each time I read a post like this, I find so much more to admire about you. It's a difficult and humbling thing to look honestly at one's faults and acknowledge the need to make changes. You've done both, and I'm very glad to count you among my friends. :)
8th-Oct-2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
I appreciate that, hon! It's not the easiest thing to do when you know you owe an apology - especially one to yourself - but degree of difficulty doesn't matter when it is necessary. At that point ALL that matters is that it is necessary, and has to be done.

;-)
8th-Oct-2008 05:46 pm (UTC)
Good on you. You've been So Fuckin' Busy trying to take care of everyone else (and, apparently, doing the Typically Wonderful Biscuit Job at it) that I've wondered if you didn't need to call a "Time-Out" for a bit.

I'm glad you did. We need our Biscuit. With lots-n-lots of sausage gravy. :-}}}}
8th-Oct-2008 06:18 pm (UTC)
I think it was just finally time to get to the end of this part of it all, and coming to realize I've spent so much time taking care of others that I haven't taken very adequate care of myself - and don't know how to be taken care of.

But yeah, I got a very clear call for a time out, and unlike the past few times when I'd heard it - I finally listened this time.
8th-Oct-2008 06:24 pm (UTC)
We all love you honey. You know that. Angry, sad, sappy, or bouncing off the walls with joy, we all love you. Whilest I agree that perhaps the level of your anger hs been rather high as of late, at the same time, I do have to say at least you are able to let it go. So many people (myself included) bottle it up, hide it away, and let it eat at them. Doing that can destroy a person, so I'm glad you're able to release yours. Not that I'd ever want to be a target of said release, but you get where I'm at with this I think.

I miss our bike rides. I miss the fun we had with that. Did you know, when we stopped riding that October, by January I had gained 20 pounds because of the lack of excercise?? I went to the doctor because I thought something was wrong with my thyroid! Those were fun days. Hard, but FUN.
8th-Oct-2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, I really do. I have deep reserves of anger that scare the everliving FUCK out of me, I'm not even kidding. I could tell you some of the shit that goes on in my head and you'd start backing away slowly, looking for an exit and thinking "This is one scary muthafucka!" That's why I let it out here and there, because if I didn't do it in stages gradually the lid would blow right off and scald all the wrong people to death. It is actually one of my greatest fears, imagining that happening in real time.

It'll be too cold for biking soon, but we can resume that anytime you want, and when it DOES get too cold, we have a full gym here and can always hit the treadmill!
8th-Oct-2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
You give me the pride.

S'r'sly.

Thank you.
8th-Oct-2008 07:41 pm (UTC)
WOOHOO!! YOU CAN HAZ A PRIDE!

Welcome, and thank YOU!
8th-Oct-2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
happy sunshine biscuit!!!

don't let them get you down. I think everyone should post what they feel. F*@# em if they can't take a joke.
8th-Oct-2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
Exactly, I didn't see that it was all my choice until it felt like my undoing. Now I'm on the other side of it and don't have an excuse, thankfully!
8th-Oct-2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
I'm really glad to see this post from you. I don't know about that whole showing more affection to others part. I can't name anyone who does more for the other people around them than you, and certainly not who does so entirely out of their own good will without resenting the person they're helping in the slightest. I do think you hit the nail on the head about taking better care of yourself though. I always see you doing so much for others, or talking about those big issues that sort of loom over all of us, but I never see you doing anything specifically for you. I think it's incredible that you do so much for others, but I worry about you overexerting yourself sometimes, and I think it's a fantastic idea for you to take some time for your own needs for a change.
8th-Oct-2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
Wow. I'm enjoying getting these perceptions like this from the people around me - and I'm a little bit stunned that I've been so blind to all of it, actually. The stuff I should have been paying closer attention to, I mean.

This is why I'm grateful we're friends, you know. I didn't know until recently how much I needed all of this, and until you stepped up like this I didn't know how much I needed you.

I'm glad you're my family. Next time you're at Arie's, I'm making no other plans and getting some time with you both. Which we have to start making happen as often as is allowable I think, don't you?
8th-Oct-2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Brad- I love your political commentary. Your passion and candor is well appreciated. I understand how it can eat at your core and create a different person. Keep your chin up... Huggs bubby!
8th-Oct-2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
Thanks, love!
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