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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Going Through A Rough Time 
12th-Mar-2008 02:14 pm
I'm not doing so well right now. Things are starting to pile up on me and I'm having a bit of a rough go of sorting it out. Normally I can prioritize strife and focus on things that deserve the attention and dismiss those that don't, but there are multiple things going on that are really beginning to weigh me down and causing me to want to withdraw REALLY badly. It's an urge I'm resisting, but it's difficult when every instinct I have to dig in my heels and fight has gone away somewhere and what I want is to crawl into a cave until I feel like it is safe to come back out again. I know that a lot (if not all) of it is a choice. I'm not sure if I believe in such things as the universe is testing me, but that is certainly what it feels like. I woke up feeling incredibly sad, and because it is such a quiet day I've tried to fill it with background noise to cut the deafening silence. Part of it I am sure is my normal struggle with depression, but right now I feel it is the result of a preponderance of outside forces not working against me necessarily, but certainly creating havoc in my own life.

Damien and I have been doing well, very well in fact, but when I am in this rut I feel as though he deserves better than what I give him, even though I love him with everything I have. I don't believe I am worthy of him on a good day because he's just the best, most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine at times like this what he could possibly find in a miserable bastard like me that keeps him so close. Self doubt, however irrational and illogical, is a bitch to overcome. I know it's only a phase and that it will pass in time and I'll go back to feeling like my old self again, but that's where I am right now.

Politics - my passion - is my nemesis right now. I feel incredibly defeated and horribly let down for so many reasons, and the constant sniping between the politicians and their fan bases has really kicked me in the ass. I'm starting to take personally things I need not take personally. Things that don't even have anything to do with me I'm taking personally. For a man that holds the things he believes in very tightly, I find now that I'm filled with doubt. I fear hoping, I fear wishing, and mostly I fear having faith in people I'm terrified will let me down. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime already, which leads me to my family.

Damien's parents have pissed me off, let me down, and disappointed me tremendously. I'm extremely bitter and angry as a result. What's more is they've known that I'm upset with them and their choices, but have failed to try and resolve any of it from their end. My own blood family has little to do with Damien and I at the best of times, so I've continued distancing myself from them and have in the past relied on his family to fill in the gaps - but they're apparently about as invested in me as my blood family. It makes me incredibly angry and spiteful, because they're supposed to take better care of us than they all have. They all just want it on their own terms and no one else's. Fine - but let me have no part of that. I don't want it and neither does he.

People in my chosen family are not stepping up and making the best choices they are capable of. It's infuriating, because it's not as if we don't all know how to make good choices for ourselves and each other. I'm not even getting into that, because if I do I'll just sink further and I don't have the energy right now.

Add to all of this that my allergies are making all of this more difficult and miserable, and it's barely even started yet. I'm eating healthy when I can actually make myself hungry, which is fleeting and only once or twice a day anyway, so at least there's that. Sleep has been more restless than usual. My joy is gone on hiatus again, and even though I'm well aware that all of this is going to pass (it always does), I just don't care right now about much of anything. Perhaps it is a defensive reasoning of my subconscious to just shut me down emotionally in many areas to prevent overload, which is where I've felt I was heading. That actually makes a great deal of sense, but doesn't really make me feel any better. There will be time for that later.

The air show is this weekend, and I always have a good time there. Hopefully that will be the cure for some of this. I'll be fine once I get this stuff sorted out, I always do one way or another.
Comments 
12th-Mar-2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
wish i could offer more than this... i definitely know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and just mentally/emotionally drained... i hope things start to look up for you soon. *hugs*
12th-Mar-2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it.
12th-Mar-2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
: )
12th-Mar-2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
:\
12th-Mar-2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're feeling down right now, but I couldn't read and not comment on the "My joy has gone on hiatus" statement.

You have to remember that you are responsible for creating joy in your life, seeking joy and doing things that enable you to experience joy. Joy isn't some static element that just exists.

Trust me, as someone who has been without joy for quite some time, I know how difficult it is to take the steps necessary to infuse your life with joy and happiness, but don't let your internal language get the best of you and create a bigger problem than what you're already dealing with.
12th-Mar-2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
I know that, I've said as much to you in the past in my own way, but I'm feeling so defeated and life-tired right now that joy is hardly a priority.

Imagine if I were appropriating other people's pain still - at least I've learned from that one!
12th-Mar-2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I know this might be lame but you have to keep moving forward don't let yourself fall to deep into that rabbit hole. Like you said, this mood will pass.
I may be a complete stranger and know nothing about your relationship with Damien; but I'm pretty sure that he loves things about yourself that you can't see or think are insignificant.I find myself answering this same question when my friends bring it up. Most of the time, they don't even realize that they have the qualities that I listed off.
I hope none of this was confusing or to cliché...
12th-Mar-2008 08:24 pm (UTC)
12th-Mar-2008 08:13 pm (UTC)
Sometimes you just need a little down time - not down-in-the-dumps, but just some down time. When things feel overwhelming for me, I shut out the world and meditate. Concentrate on the natural rhythm you have, the constants that keeps you alive: breath and heartbeat.
Try and empty your mind and concentrate just on your breath. When a thought comes up - and they will - thank it and let it go, imagine it flowing away down a river. Emptying my mind for just a few minutes does me a world of good, and reconnects me with the stillness, with my Self.

Even if you DO believe, even slightly, in a universal force, it is NOT against you. It's full of love, like the life you lead: full of love energy.

Be well, sweet Brad!
12th-Mar-2008 08:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Nina.
12th-Mar-2008 08:20 pm (UTC)
Will be thinking of you... what can you to do to take care of yourself when you're down like this? (I'm asking the same question of myself of late)
12th-Mar-2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
Honestly, and as pathetic as this sounds, I'm not going to sit here and lie about it, I just let it run its course because trying to DO anything to make myself feel better - I just find it all exhausting.

I thank you, Ian.
12th-Mar-2008 08:24 pm (UTC)
The first three paragraphs could have been written verbatim (with names changed, of course) by me. The overall sentiment is spot on to what I have been feeling about politics. I cant stand the unnecessary friction among people nowadays. A big deal is made about shit that really does not matter, while people ignore things that do. No amount of clue bats seem to help either.

I feel you pain. Literally too.
12th-Mar-2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
Misery loves company, they say.
12th-Mar-2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
I just finished a 4-year stint of hating, being disappointed with, or generally being hopeless about myself and almost everyone/thing around me. I'm not going to go Pollyanna on you and tell you the sun will come out tomorrow (how's that for mixing references?), but I know how it sucks not to feel well physically or emotionally. I'm sorry.
13th-Mar-2008 02:14 pm (UTC)
I cannot fathom feeling this way for that long again and still being able to function. Good that you found your way to the other side of it like I did, and hopefully in the future if it ever revisits it will only be fleeting for you as well.
(no subject) - Anonymous - Expand
12th-Mar-2008 09:05 pm (UTC)
*lends you some <3*

...okay, forget the loan. you can have it outright.

<3
13th-Mar-2008 02:17 pm (UTC)
I miss you. And Sarah. We're getting close to the 1 year mark that we hugged for the first time ever, a day we were surrounded by an ocean of love. It was one of my happiest days ever, thanks in no small part to you. I think of it often and always smile.
12th-Mar-2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
One of the useful things I've learned in the last six months is the idea of "right-sizing" things. Is it a big problem or is a small problem? How much of my energy and worry does it truly deserve? Something that seemed like a subtlety but is in fact at the core of the idea is that the size of things can be variable depending on how you're feeling.

I don't know of anyone that I know through here or anywhere else that is so focussed on on the well-being of others as you are. You're fierce about things that you believe in strongly, about the difference you can make, and you turn that strength of belief into strength of action. I wonder, though, if at times like now when for some reason your strength is less if you can't try to pull back, to right-size, to believe that even though through your actions you can make a significant difference, that the world will not fall apart if you make your life smaller, simpler, and more focussed on self-nurture for a while. Instead of worrying about being a warrior for Damien you can let him know what's going on and let him take care of you for a bit.

I think you realize all this but I think that learning to accept that this is just how it works sometimes can be really helpful because then you lose the waste of time and piling on of negative energy that comes from feeling like you're doing something wrong. You're not. You're just doing less right and what you put out into the world will sustain it while you're chilling out.
13th-Mar-2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
You really overwhelm me sometimes, Greg. This actually brought on tears.

You saying these things to me - alongside everyone else who circles a wagon around me - is evidence I've been doing the right things all along. Soon I'll feel it that way again as a normal.

This is also why I'm lucky (if there is such a thing as luck) to have people like you on my side as well as my beloved D, because in contrast to what I've had to put up with it has all come to redefine my sense of normal. It's a shame when behavior that should be normal takes us by surprise.
12th-Mar-2008 09:23 pm (UTC)
Mister, so much of what you've said resonates very strongly in me. I've been to that awful place; spend a lot of time there actually. And while no matter of advice is going to get you out of there before you're ready, I'm just going to encourage you to hold on and keep moving forward, even if you're not sure which way "forward" is.

It's much harder for the universe to hit a moving target, after all; and motion is always better than stagnation.

[MONSTROUS HUGGAGE]
13th-Mar-2008 02:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you muchly for this!
12th-Mar-2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
While I don't know exactly how you feel- I suffer from atypical depression, which has almost the opposite symptoms of yours- I sympathize with your pain and hope that things ease up on you very soon. I know I don't comment very often, but I look forward to your posts.

Even though you are a total stranger, I feel like you have made me a better person. You keep me informed about American politics that don't always get reported up here (I live in Canada) and strengthen my belief and desire to be an active, political citizen. It's so easy to get discouraged and feel like real change is never going to come. But you've done so much to make an utter stranger feel engaged and hopeful- dont stop now!
13th-Mar-2008 02:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks, love.

I really appreciate this, it is part of what I aim for - thanks for showing me that I'm having the desired effect sometimes!
12th-Mar-2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
I'm terribly sorry you are so down at the moment. And it seems that all the things/passions and friends and family that one would use to fall back on have disappointed you as well. The one thing you mentioned that you were grateful for was that things are brilliant between you and Damien, but that it is YOU, because of your depressed state, that feels that he could do better than being with you. Please don't think that. I only know 1% about you and I wish I knew you in real life as we would get on very well, so if I'm attracted to 1% of you just from the internet, I believe Damien is with an incredibly caring, compassionate and smart person who needs some support right now.

Stop beating yourself up AB and seek out the people and things that do bring you happiness. Nearly 3 years ago when I was struck with depression and stress, I found Buddhism and the meditation really helped me. You don't have to be Buddhist to meditate, but meditation is for everyone and works wonders.

Take care of yourself. xoxo ♥

13th-Mar-2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm quite aware that it's me - he even told me as much after reading this post. I never bullshit myself for a moment thinking that was in any way about him.

Thank you for your kindness, love - and yes, we would more than likely be close friends if we were geographically closer together.
12th-Mar-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
Since I've friended you for some time now on LJ, I realize this is just a pattern and it's only temporary. While I know I should not worry as things will turn around, I still hate to see anyone get down like this without a logical meaning for it. I know time will pull you out of it.

I know politics are a passion of yours, but even you probably need to take a break from that crap. It's only going to get worse. Turn off the TV (or avoid the news channels) for a week and take a break if you can.

One things I did not that was not so temporary was the relationships you and thedigitalghost have with your parents. While I realize you guys still love your parents, there is nothing that says you have to work night and day to make that situation better. Family extends beyond your blood relatives.

If they don't care to give you and thedigitalghost the respect you deserve, why do you feel you need to fight for that respect? That would depress anyone. Take a break from that and focus and those around you that are family in your own backyard. If you decided to have a party with all your friends, I would be there. ;)
13th-Mar-2008 02:30 pm (UTC)
Exactly, I'm glad you understand that.

Indeed - self preservation. I see political stuff and hum the Family Guy theme to myself. It's my anti-drug!

Absolutely, but what I'm learning is to put down that fight, which shouldn't be mine. What I'm teaching myself is to look at the people who are not fighting for ME for a change when they should be, and lowering their worth to me as I should be doing all along.

When I win my lotto gazillions, I'm getting you a new M6.
12th-Mar-2008 10:06 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear of your being down. I hope you can find joy and happiness soon.
13th-Mar-2008 02:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Chris - I appreciate it.
12th-Mar-2008 11:09 pm (UTC)
I don't have a lick of relevant wisdom. But I'd give you a hug. I've felt like this.
13th-Mar-2008 02:31 pm (UTC)
Hugs make everything better - cyber or in real time - so I thank you.
12th-Mar-2008 11:11 pm (UTC)
Now sure how I could help other than offering a hug!
13th-Mar-2008 02:31 pm (UTC)
Hugs make everything better - cyber or in real time - so I thank you.
13th-Mar-2008 12:31 am (UTC)
You've just described the mood of the past decade of my life, culminating in the last 4 years of nearly total despondence. It's taking me a lot of effort to revive myself in tandem with the positive changes, to develop that ability to value and care about anything.
13th-Mar-2008 02:33 pm (UTC)
I cannot even ponder how I could function that long like this, and it tears my heart out that you've had to. I cannot fix anyone but myself - but if ever I can help you, please let me know.
13th-Mar-2008 02:55 am (UTC)
Thoughts are with you. Life often gets in the way of itself.
13th-Mar-2008 02:33 pm (UTC)
Indeed - and this also is a fleeting thing for me, so I'm just biding my time until it passes.
13th-Mar-2008 03:03 am (UTC)
If I was still a drinker, I'd ask you to close out the bar with me. . .

What a great, unvarnished post. . .keep choppin' wood and carryin' water, and you'll end up fine. . .

The dark will show a light. . .

I'm there with you brother. . .
13th-Mar-2008 02:35 pm (UTC)
If we closed a bar, you know we'd be out looking for a fight. I have no doubt in my mind about this, which is why I'm glad you don't drink and I don't go to bars!

I love you, Mark. And yes - you are my brother. Better to me even than my own brother, whose name is also Mark.
13th-Mar-2008 05:36 pm (UTC)
Hugs to you. I relate heavily with the "don't believe I'm worthy of him" feelings and the self doubt. I've also been sick for the past week and it doesn't seem to be going away soon. As for politics, I've never been as involved as you, but I do care, but it's getting harder and harder not to become disenchanted with it all.

I have no words of wisdom other than take care of yourself and know that you are loved.
14th-Mar-2008 10:47 am (UTC)
I love you too, sweetness - I hope for start feeling better immediately, I'm sending good energy.
24th-Mar-2008 10:16 pm (UTC) - sitting in silence
I recognize in you a heart that the vast majority of the world is not ready for... with that gift comes a great burden at times.

I am late catching up with LJ stuff.. I've seen you since this post. I was almost too embarassed to respond... at this late date. I was feeling alot of the same things during my visit... and have been fighting the urge to crawl into my own cave. What I really wanted was to have you to myself. I was trying not to be selfish. Toward the end of my trip I just gave up on my stuff and retreated away from them all and waited patiently until it was time for home (where I can be quiet and no one notices). In times like these, while there may not be a quick fix or a fix at all... it is comforting just to sit and look out a window with someone else who's heart hears your own.

I am so glad you are my chosen family. Feel free to bitch slap me when I'm not paying close enough attention. I love you! My BeRad!

25th-Mar-2008 12:04 am (UTC) - Re: sitting in silence
Indeed!

Never be embarrassed, we're well beyond that nonsense. Yeah, I could tell you weren't in the best of sorts, but it wasn't an appropriate time (or audience) to address that sort of thing.

Likewise! I'd never bitchslap you - metaphorically or otherwise. I love you too, my A-Pooh!
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