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Another Heartbreak Moment Comes Calling 
24th-Jan-2008 01:44 pm
Finally, I know where I stand.
12:02 PM, Thursday, January 24, 2008.

"I am ashamed to be called your Dad."
This is the most vile, cruel, meanspirited thing he's ever said to me. It took me years to write him the letter I gave him on Father's Day '06, because I wanted to take as much care and time with it as I could so that it would be perfect, and I think it was. I wrote that beautiful letter as a son honoring his father, and he just now threw me away with both hands. I can guarantee you that none of my brothers have ever written him anything as heartfelt, but as long as they smile and nod and don't rock the boat, it doesn't matter. Maybe I should have known better, but I have no regret for writing that letter and I meant every word of it.

All I can think about is how no matter what he does from now on, he can never take this back. I don't want him to. I always felt like he was ashamed of me and actively trying to suppress my voice my entire life, and now at least I really know where I stand and how I rank. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough for him, and loving him in spite of how hard that has been to do sometimes. All little boys want to feel loved by their fathers and feel that they are proud of them, and this is what I'm left with. In saying that to me, everything has changed.

I called his house to tell him that I loved him and always have, in spite of how badly I think he has behaved with me in the past. My stepmother answered the phone and he told her "Tell him I'm not here - no, tell him I can't get to the phone." She told me that he couldn't get to the phone and I said "I heard what he said, and I also heard him say 'tell him I'm not here' - that's fine, I see how this is." I stopped short of calling it pathetic and cowardly, because at that moment I just wanted to be done with it. I'm still so hurt and angry that I'm shaking uncontrollably. I've spent almost two hours now writing this post because of it.

I guess he's done with me because he made that rather clear in this and every other thing he last said to me in his most recent (and final) email, also copied to every member of my family. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing if this is what he's really made of. That is it's own special brand of pain, right there.

It's a good thing I have created a family for myself that loves me much better than this and doesn't make me work so hard for it, otherwise I'd never stop crying from this.
24th-Jan-2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
Wow. How cruel. My heart hurts for you.
24th-Jan-2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you Andy - I know you are part of my family that loves me no matter what, which makes this a bit easier in spite of the obvious.

I am holding steadfast to my belief that even though this is my father, he isn't capable of rejecting me. I'm a good man and if he is ashamed of me as a son, that's all about him and has little (if anything) to do with me at all. There is no rejection, only proof and confirmation that some people are not worthy of you.

This is not my burden to bear or my problem to solve. I didn't throw out such mean and hateful things at him, nor would I, because I'm better than that. It's just that I've had it confirmed in a very harsh way, and it's going to take me a little while to be completely okay with it.
(Deleted comment)
24th-Jan-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Dale. I'll be okay.
24th-Jan-2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
Unconscionable. Absolutely horrid. I'm sorry, babe *hug*
24th-Jan-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Indeed, and I concur. I appreciate it, M-A.
24th-Jan-2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Wow. That is awful. And whatever his personal reasons are, he's wrong, you know. You are a son to be proud of. You've dealt with a lot of shit and become an honorable person in spite of it.

24th-Jan-2008 09:19 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, E. Thanks for the uplift, it felt like a bear hug!
24th-Jan-2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
i am so sorry...i wish i could say something to ease the hurt.

24th-Jan-2008 09:20 pm (UTC)
That you said something at all indeed does bring ease, and I thank you for it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:16 pm (UTC)

Sorry, that's all I got.
24th-Jan-2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
Well, I've said it before - Pagerhugs make EVERYTHING better. They're magical like that.
24th-Jan-2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
This just absolutely broke my heart.

The cruelty and callous nature of this just, I can hardly wrap my head around it, much less words.

You are worth SO much more than this.

Of course you are right, you have a family of your choosing, in spite of the one you may have been dealt by the cruel hoax that is the genetic pool.

Celebrate that and in time let this go as the hurt heals.

I don't even know you and I just want to grab you and hold you.

I have lost all eloquence, I just will keep you in my thoughts.
24th-Jan-2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Mine too. The tag for this post is called "heartbreak moment", because there are times in life when you can literally feel it happening, and I've written about that before.

I know my worth, and I am surrounded by love constantly - were it not for that, I don't think I could bear this. Thankfully, I don't have to.

I appreciate this so much, you've really lifted me up here and made me feel much better. So I thank you, and I'll always love you for this - coming right when I needed it the most, and without obligation, but simply because you felt it necessary. Those times are the best, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
I will never have children of my own (by choice) but if I'd ever had a son, I would hope he could be as beautiful a man as you are. The amount and quality of love you share with the world is nothing short of phenomenal.

24th-Jan-2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks, babe - this is why you're included in my circle, because you're thoughtful and amazing and you lift me up when I need it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:47 pm (UTC)
What a horrendous thing to say. I'm so sorry.

It says far more about him than it does about you.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, and you are absolutely right.
24th-Jan-2008 07:52 pm (UTC)
Blech. What a douche attitude. The hell of it is that he'll rethink that when he really needs something out of you someday, or he's on his deathbed; I hope he figures it out long before then.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I hope so too, although I don't expect it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
I am sorry.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I am grateful.
24th-Jan-2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
That hurts me just to read, I can't imagine what you're feeling.

I hate to say it, but my reply would have to be, "Well, then, you'll never hear it from me again."

Just remember that there are a lot of us out here who've never even met you in RL who respect and care for you.
24th-Jan-2008 10:11 pm (UTC)
It's strange, I feel so many conflicting things.

Through all of it, I know who I am and I know that I have nothing to feel sorry about or to apologize for.

I am constantly surrounded by love and respect, what I don't get from him is made up for in others.

Edited at 2008-01-24 10:11 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
25th-Jan-2008 02:48 am (UTC)
Even though I feel damaged by him from various things, I've never blamed him for it - any of it, even what I felt he was directly responsible for. I've even said as much directly to him.

I'm not afraid to do it, just sad that it seems necessary. And I thank you for your kindness.
24th-Jan-2008 08:34 pm (UTC) - I empathize
I know the feeling, my Dad recently had a triple bypass and it filtered to me that he was doing so.

I contacted him and asked if he wanted me to come down.

I sat thinking this was going to be the time to reconcile with him, maybe staring death in the face, made him see his stupidity.

When he called me back he told me in no uncertain terms that all he was doing was making sure I knew he was going in for surgery and the possibility inherent in such a surgery.

However, I was most assuredly *not* invited ... he did not wish to see me or have anything to do with me while "he was healing." I was not welcome, especially as long as I am with my partner.

He was struggling to say this (not because of emotion but because he had had surgery three days before) so I said, "Ok, you made your decision, I'm not going to argue with you. I tried and you have told me how you feel."

I hung up.

It still pains me. Pains me to the core. My own father does not want me.

Other people keep telling me that I need to still attempt to reconcile that, "he's your father!" They simply don't understand.

I do understand the blow you have just had. I agree that having the family you have created around is important.

Where I there, I would provide what comfort I could but know that you are not alone.
25th-Jan-2008 02:59 am (UTC) - Re: I empathize
I am so moved by this, it's almost surreal. Here you are coming to me to offer sympathy and understanding, and I cannot help but hurt for you as well.

Big bond forged here, man.

I thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it.
24th-Jan-2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
My heart is aching for you today. Know that there are people in Atlanta and outside of it that are praying you'll make it through this moment better than okay.
25th-Jan-2008 03:00 am (UTC)
I do know that honey, and I thank you.

24th-Jan-2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
I love you, honey. And I think you're fabulous, and I am proud like hell to call you family.
25th-Jan-2008 03:02 am (UTC)
I love you too. I am just as fabulous as you are, and I'm proud you're my family too.
24th-Jan-2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
I know that we don't know each other all that well, but I saw this post on my f-list and just had to comment, here's why: Even though I don't know you all that well, I know that any father should be proud to have a caring, intelligent, self-aware, logical, and thoughtful son, such as yourself. If he can't see that, I feel bad for him. I have no idea what the history is here, and I know that regardless of what has happened in the past, his words to you must really sting. However, just know that the love you pass on to others is that which sets you apart and breaks the chain of hatred, and for that, I admire you.
25th-Jan-2008 03:03 am (UTC)
You know me well enough, and I appreciate your kindness.
24th-Jan-2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that it's turned out this way. I read your post from last year, which sounded very hopeful. Now, he seems out to hurt.

You're lucky to have other friend and a partner, and to know yourself and your value. Also, you have reached out in the most profound way and done your part.

My own (step)father passed away 15 years ago today. Your post made me realize that. His illness was long, and it gave me a chance to sort out his internal anger and rage that he emitted randomly, from the rest of his personality that made him a major figure and friend in my life. It's very true that we need to challenge ourselves to grow continually in all phases of life: the older generations are not capable as they enter old age.

25th-Jan-2008 03:04 am (UTC)
Pretty much, yes.

Absolutely, you are right.

I appreciate this, very much so.
24th-Jan-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
time for a divorce, non?
25th-Jan-2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Guess so.
24th-Jan-2008 09:19 pm (UTC)
I'm so very sorry. I miss my dad terribly and he'd said some mean things before he got sober, but nothing like this. I have no children of my own but I cannot imagine what would prompt a man to say such a thing to any child. I'm glad you can take some comfort in knowing that you've made something of yourself despite your father. I know this doesn't lessen your pain but know like many others here that my heart goes out to you. You deserve better....
25th-Jan-2008 04:09 am (UTC)
Thank you sweetness, this means the world to me and I appreciate it muchly.
24th-Jan-2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Jude, I know we've never met, but I wanted to send you hugs anyway. When I first friended you on lj, I went back and read your posts on coming out and they really helped me with my own family. Honestly, I expected a response like this from my own father but he surprised me.
Just know that you are a wonderful person. I can only hope that one day he'll see what he's done to you.
What I remember most in times like these is what you said that I quoted in my own journal: "...he was never worthy of you to begin with"

*big hugs hun*
25th-Jan-2008 04:11 am (UTC)
I appreciate it, sweetness - thank you so much.
24th-Jan-2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
I am really sorry; just remember that we are all your family; many hugs from London.
25th-Jan-2008 04:15 am (UTC)
Oh, I know who loves me and who is my chosen family - and I thank you.
(Deleted comment)
25th-Jan-2008 04:17 am (UTC)
Yes, yes I do. And actually, it kind of DOES make it easier - because if nothing else, I can take comfort in knowing I'd never have behaved like that.

No matter though, I know who my chosen family is and who loves me. I'm proud you're part of it, you and Mark both.
24th-Jan-2008 10:03 pm (UTC)
*wraps her arms about you, softly*

There's little I can say to ease your pain. I just want you to know that no matter how hard, there are just some people that you can never please. I too reached out for my father's love, and was so often pushed aside. I know the pain you're feeling today. My hope is in time he'll reconcile his heart and his head, and will openly embrace you for the wonderful son you truly are.

You are a good person, whole and true. My world, no, THE WORLD is a better place because of you.
25th-Jan-2008 04:18 am (UTC)
I thank you honey - and I know that it's not about me, this is all about him. It's difficult to take, but if that is what passes for acceptable to him then I don't need it.
24th-Jan-2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
Dads are tricky business. A terribly tricky, terribly human business.

You have my sympathies and my love, and my email address/screen name if you need another pair of ears. Hey, there's a reason we homos call one another family, after all.
25th-Jan-2008 04:19 am (UTC)
I love you, W - thank you for being available to me, as always. You know it runs both ways, at least you'd better know it.
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