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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Another Heartbreak Moment Comes Calling 
24th-Jan-2008 01:44 pm
Finally, I know where I stand.
12:02 PM, Thursday, January 24, 2008.

"I am ashamed to be called your Dad."
This is the most vile, cruel, meanspirited thing he's ever said to me. It took me years to write him the letter I gave him on Father's Day '06, because I wanted to take as much care and time with it as I could so that it would be perfect, and I think it was. I wrote that beautiful letter as a son honoring his father, and he just now threw me away with both hands. I can guarantee you that none of my brothers have ever written him anything as heartfelt, but as long as they smile and nod and don't rock the boat, it doesn't matter. Maybe I should have known better, but I have no regret for writing that letter and I meant every word of it.

All I can think about is how no matter what he does from now on, he can never take this back. I don't want him to. I always felt like he was ashamed of me and actively trying to suppress my voice my entire life, and now at least I really know where I stand and how I rank. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough for him, and loving him in spite of how hard that has been to do sometimes. All little boys want to feel loved by their fathers and feel that they are proud of them, and this is what I'm left with. In saying that to me, everything has changed.

I called his house to tell him that I loved him and always have, in spite of how badly I think he has behaved with me in the past. My stepmother answered the phone and he told her "Tell him I'm not here - no, tell him I can't get to the phone." She told me that he couldn't get to the phone and I said "I heard what he said, and I also heard him say 'tell him I'm not here' - that's fine, I see how this is." I stopped short of calling it pathetic and cowardly, because at that moment I just wanted to be done with it. I'm still so hurt and angry that I'm shaking uncontrollably. I've spent almost two hours now writing this post because of it.

I guess he's done with me because he made that rather clear in this and every other thing he last said to me in his most recent (and final) email, also copied to every member of my family. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing if this is what he's really made of. That is it's own special brand of pain, right there.

It's a good thing I have created a family for myself that loves me much better than this and doesn't make me work so hard for it, otherwise I'd never stop crying from this.
Comments 
24th-Jan-2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
Wow. How cruel. My heart hurts for you.
24th-Jan-2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you Andy - I know you are part of my family that loves me no matter what, which makes this a bit easier in spite of the obvious.

I am holding steadfast to my belief that even though this is my father, he isn't capable of rejecting me. I'm a good man and if he is ashamed of me as a son, that's all about him and has little (if anything) to do with me at all. There is no rejection, only proof and confirmation that some people are not worthy of you.

This is not my burden to bear or my problem to solve. I didn't throw out such mean and hateful things at him, nor would I, because I'm better than that. It's just that I've had it confirmed in a very harsh way, and it's going to take me a little while to be completely okay with it.
(Deleted comment)
24th-Jan-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Dale. I'll be okay.
24th-Jan-2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
Unconscionable. Absolutely horrid. I'm sorry, babe *hug*
24th-Jan-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Indeed, and I concur. I appreciate it, M-A.
24th-Jan-2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Wow. That is awful. And whatever his personal reasons are, he's wrong, you know. You are a son to be proud of. You've dealt with a lot of shit and become an honorable person in spite of it.

24th-Jan-2008 09:19 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, E. Thanks for the uplift, it felt like a bear hug!
24th-Jan-2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
i am so sorry...i wish i could say something to ease the hurt.

*hug*
24th-Jan-2008 09:20 pm (UTC)
That you said something at all indeed does bring ease, and I thank you for it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
**pagerhugs**

Sorry, that's all I got.
24th-Jan-2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
Well, I've said it before - Pagerhugs make EVERYTHING better. They're magical like that.
24th-Jan-2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
This just absolutely broke my heart.

The cruelty and callous nature of this just, I can hardly wrap my head around it, much less words.

You are worth SO much more than this.

Of course you are right, you have a family of your choosing, in spite of the one you may have been dealt by the cruel hoax that is the genetic pool.

Celebrate that and in time let this go as the hurt heals.

I don't even know you and I just want to grab you and hold you.

I have lost all eloquence, I just will keep you in my thoughts.
24th-Jan-2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Mine too. The tag for this post is called "heartbreak moment", because there are times in life when you can literally feel it happening, and I've written about that before.

I know my worth, and I am surrounded by love constantly - were it not for that, I don't think I could bear this. Thankfully, I don't have to.

I appreciate this so much, you've really lifted me up here and made me feel much better. So I thank you, and I'll always love you for this - coming right when I needed it the most, and without obligation, but simply because you felt it necessary. Those times are the best, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
I will never have children of my own (by choice) but if I'd ever had a son, I would hope he could be as beautiful a man as you are. The amount and quality of love you share with the world is nothing short of phenomenal.

*Hugs*
24th-Jan-2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks, babe - this is why you're included in my circle, because you're thoughtful and amazing and you lift me up when I need it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:47 pm (UTC)
What a horrendous thing to say. I'm so sorry.

It says far more about him than it does about you.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, and you are absolutely right.
24th-Jan-2008 07:52 pm (UTC)
Blech. What a douche attitude. The hell of it is that he'll rethink that when he really needs something out of you someday, or he's on his deathbed; I hope he figures it out long before then.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I hope so too, although I don't expect it.
24th-Jan-2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
I am sorry.
24th-Jan-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
I am grateful.
24th-Jan-2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
That hurts me just to read, I can't imagine what you're feeling.

I hate to say it, but my reply would have to be, "Well, then, you'll never hear it from me again."

Just remember that there are a lot of us out here who've never even met you in RL who respect and care for you.
24th-Jan-2008 10:11 pm (UTC)
It's strange, I feel so many conflicting things.

Through all of it, I know who I am and I know that I have nothing to feel sorry about or to apologize for.

I am constantly surrounded by love and respect, what I don't get from him is made up for in others.

Edited at 2008-01-24 10:11 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
25th-Jan-2008 02:48 am (UTC)
Even though I feel damaged by him from various things, I've never blamed him for it - any of it, even what I felt he was directly responsible for. I've even said as much directly to him.

I'm not afraid to do it, just sad that it seems necessary. And I thank you for your kindness.
24th-Jan-2008 08:34 pm (UTC) - I empathize
I know the feeling, my Dad recently had a triple bypass and it filtered to me that he was doing so.

I contacted him and asked if he wanted me to come down.

I sat thinking this was going to be the time to reconcile with him, maybe staring death in the face, made him see his stupidity.

When he called me back he told me in no uncertain terms that all he was doing was making sure I knew he was going in for surgery and the possibility inherent in such a surgery.

However, I was most assuredly *not* invited ... he did not wish to see me or have anything to do with me while "he was healing." I was not welcome, especially as long as I am with my partner.

He was struggling to say this (not because of emotion but because he had had surgery three days before) so I said, "Ok, you made your decision, I'm not going to argue with you. I tried and you have told me how you feel."

I hung up.

It still pains me. Pains me to the core. My own father does not want me.

Other people keep telling me that I need to still attempt to reconcile that, "he's your father!" They simply don't understand.

I do understand the blow you have just had. I agree that having the family you have created around is important.

Where I there, I would provide what comfort I could but know that you are not alone.
25th-Jan-2008 02:59 am (UTC) - Re: I empathize
I am so moved by this, it's almost surreal. Here you are coming to me to offer sympathy and understanding, and I cannot help but hurt for you as well.

Big bond forged here, man.

I thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it.
24th-Jan-2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
My heart is aching for you today. Know that there are people in Atlanta and outside of it that are praying you'll make it through this moment better than okay.
25th-Jan-2008 03:00 am (UTC)
I do know that honey, and I thank you.

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